My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
