just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
