By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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