just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
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