i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
