are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
