it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
