I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
