I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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