Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
