this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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