conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
