break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
