I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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