Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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