Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
