I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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