why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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