Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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