Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
