someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
