Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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