his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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