Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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