Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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