I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
