Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I intend to get homeless drunk
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
