If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I looked at my own cervix.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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