I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
