I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
