a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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