Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
