12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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