i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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