Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
