I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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