I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
