I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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