Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
