My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
