It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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