I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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