its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
