Me too!
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
