The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
