I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
