So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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