dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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