I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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