I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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