I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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