Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize