my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
