If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
