Heybabeimwearingurpanties
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
