Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I believe in your delicious
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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