Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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