I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
