lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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